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<div class="container-outer">
<p class="title_name">Behind</p>
<p class="author">Tim Jia</p>
<p class="start">[[start]]</p>
<img id="background" src="https://i.ibb.co/CBjzs5C/rear-mirror.png">
</div>
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</style><<set $openEyes = false>>
<<set $moveFinger = false>>
<<set $tryToTalk = false>>
You consciousness comes back to you.
[[Open eyes][$openEyes to true]]
[[Move finger][$moveFinger to true]]
[[Try to talk][$tryToTalk to true]]Things are blurry and unbearably bright at first, but over some time your eyes find their focus.
You are lying on bed. A young man sits by your side. His eyes are closed, and he looks extremely tired.
You do not recognize this place, but it looks spotlessly sterile.
<<if not $moveFinger>>[[Move finger][$moveFinger to true]]<</if>>
<<if not $tryToTalk>>[[Try to talk][$tryToTalk to true]]<</if>>
<<if $moveFinger and $tryToTalk>>Looking at the young man, you said, [["James"]].<</if>>Your body feels alien to you, until you feel the pain when you try to just slightly move your finger. The pain is certainly unpleasant, but at least it confirms you can still feel your body.
<<if not $openEyes>>[[Open eyes][$openEyes to true]]<</if>>
<<if not $tryToTalk>>[[Try to talk][$tryToTalk to true]]<</if>>
<<if $openEyes and $tryToTalk>>Looking at the young man, you said, [["James"]].<</if>>You try to move your tongue, only to find your mouth and throat extremely dry. You slightly open your mouth but struggle to say a meaningful word. Maybe an "uh" syllable comes out, or maybe it does not make any sound.
You have to close your mouth and move your tongue to moisten your throat. Now you should be able to talk.
<<if not $openEyes>>[[Open eyes][$openEyes to true]]<</if>>
<<if not $moveFinger>>[[Move finger][$moveFinger to true]]<</if>>
<<if $openEyes and $moveFinger>>Looking at the young man, you say, [["James"]].<</if>><<set $where = false>>
<<set $what = false>>
<<set $howLong = false>>
Hearing your voice, the young man startles and opens his eyes wide.
"Mom! You wake up!" He almost yells out loud, full of surprise and excitement.
Yes. This young man, James, is your son.
[["Where am I?"][$where to true]]
[["What happened to me?"][$what to true]]
[["How long have I been here?"][$howLong to true]]"You are in the hospital. Don't worry. The doctor said your condition is stable now. You just need to rest." James speaks reassuringly, as if everything is in his control.
<<if not $what>>[["What happened to me?"][$what to true]]<</if>>
<<if not $howLong>>[["How long have I been here?"][$howLong to true]]<</if>>
<<if $where and $howLong>>You try to think, but [[your brain hurts]].<</if>>"You had a car accident. They said you were already unconscious when you got here. Do you remember anything Mom?"
You try to think, but nothing comes to you. You shake your head.
"It's okay mom. You just woke up. It probably will come back later."
<<if not $where>>[["Where am I?"][$where to true]]<</if>>
<<if not $howLong>>[["How long have I been here?"][$howLong to true]]<</if>>
<<if $where and $howLong>>You try to think, but [[your brain hurts]].<</if>>"You've been sleeping for 3 days."
"3 days?" You don't even know long it feels, because you cannot recall when it started. Actually, you recall nothing except void.
"Yeah. The doctor said you were lucky. The situation could have been much worse -- you could have been killed. 3 days is nothing compared to that." James makes it sound easy, but you know it probably has been very difficult 3 days for him.
<<if not $where>>[["Where am I?"][$where to true]]<</if>>
<<if not $what>>[["What happened to me?"][$what to true]]<</if>>
<<if $where and $what>>You try to think, but [[your brain hurts]].<</if>>Engaging with any thoughts feels like sticking a finger into a bleeding wound -- all you get is pain, and after the pain there is nothing.
You cannot recall what is your job, where you live, what you were up to, the happiest moment in your life...but you do still recognize James, your son.
The harder you probe your memory, the more severe your headache feels. You close your eyes, and [[lose consciousness]] again.In the limbo of consciousness, you see James. Not the tall and strong young man right now, but the child James about 5 or 6 years old.
He is running behind you, trying to catch you, and you run ahead. He giggles and laughs at first, but later his voice turns to pleading.
"Mom, wait for me..."
You are still running ahead, and James cannot catch you. You keep running even after hearing his voice.
You want to stop, you want to turn around and hold him in your arms, but you just cannot -- you cannot control your body.
You run faster and faster, and James is further and further behind. His voice is fading away
"Mom, wait for me..."
You run and run, exhausted but still cannot stop, until there is nothing around you, until you can see nothing but black empty space, until you [[wake up]].The headache does not go away, but the pain in your body feels slightly better. You don't know how long has it been since you wake up last time, but James is not here. You are alone in the hospital room.
Again you try to remember things from the past, but still nothing comes to you.
A nurse comes into your room, holding a worn-out handbag.
"Your son said you were having trouble remembering things, so I'm bringing this to you." The nurse puts down the [[handbag|handbag first][$hint to 0]]. "Here are your belongings with you when you were sent here. Maybe they can help you remember something."<<if $hint < $hintLimit>>
You can see
<<if not hasVisited("A purse")>>[[A purse][$hint to $hint + 1]]<<else>>A purse<</if>>
<<if not hasVisited("A bus ticket")>>[[A bus ticket][$hint to $hint + 1]]<<else>>A bus ticket<</if>>
<<if not hasVisited("A notebook")>>[[A notebook][$hint to $hint + 1]]<<else>>A notebook<</if>>
<<if not hasVisited("A medicine box")>>[[A medicine box][$hint to $hint + 1]]<<else>>A medicine box<</if>>
<<if not hasVisited("A lighter")>>[[A lighter][$hint to $hint + 1]]<<else>>A lighter<</if>>
<<else>>
As you put the item back to the handbag, James walks in.
"Mom you are awake! How are you feeling?"
You put away the handbag, and greet James. James is wearing a funny-looking uniform with a huge backpack. The uniform looks dirty and sticks to his body by his sweat. He sits down by your bedside and breathes heavily. You can see his eyes are bloodshot and the dark circles under them.
[[Ask about his situation]]
[[Ask about your past]]
<</if>>You open the first page.
<div class="diary">
1998 April 30
I'm starting a new journal for this special day -- today Thomas and I are officially in relationship.
He said I just cannot stop smiling all night. I bet that is true. All the longing, the waiting, and the sleepless nights are finally over, and they are all worth it even just for tonight.
</div>
[[next page|page 2][$hint to $hint + 1]]
[[flip to a random page][$hint to $hint + 1]]
[[last page][$hint to $hint + 1]]
[[put back|handbag]]The purse looks old. It has lots of marks on it, and its color is faded.
You open the purse.
There are about $20 cash, all $1 bills and coins.
There is an old photo of you and James, when James is little.
You also find a [[secret pocket][$hint to $hint + 1]] in the purse.
[[Put back|handbag]]A greyhound bus ticket to Buffalo City printed on a regular paper. The departure time is August 5th, 2019, 3 days ago.
[[Put back|handbag]]The medicine box is not labeled. It is full with some white pills.
[[Put back|handbag]]<<if $hint < $hintLimit>>
<div class="diary">
2000 November 14
James is not making my life easy. I vomitted 3 times today and I look horrendous in the mirror. Being pregnant is already a torture, but how are we going to hold our lives together when James comes? Where do we get the money to feed him?
</div>
<<if not hasVisited("page 4")>>[[next page|page 4][$hint to $hint + 1]]<</if>>
<<if not hasVisited("page 5")>>[[flip to a random page|page 5][$hint to $hint + 1]]<</if>>
<<if not hasVisited("last page")>>[[last page][$hint to $hint + 1]]<</if>>
[[put back|handbag]]
<<else>>
As you read the journal, James walks in.
"Mom you are awake! How are you feeling?"
You put the journal back to the handbag and put it away. James is wearing a funny-looking uniform with a huge backpack. The uniform looks dirty and sticks to his body by his sweat. He sits down by your bedside and breathes heavily. You can see his eyes are bloodshot and the dark circles under them.
[[Ask about his situation]]
[[Ask about your past]]
<</if>>You reach to the secret pocket.
There is a check for $600, payable to you, from TidyMaid Cleaning Company. The note says, "Severance", and the date is July 30, 2019.
Your finger also feels a hard small item deep in the pocket. You reach for it.
It is a ring.
The ring is rusty already. It has silver color, with no diamond on top. Its design looks, to put it nicely, low-key.
[[Put back|handbag]]Just a regular cheap lighter from gas station.
[[Put back|handbag]]<<if $hint < $hintLimit>>
<div class="diary">
1998 May 4
Thomas takes me to a movie today. It is weird going out with him as his girlfriend. I don't even know where to put my hands. Should I hold his hand? Or should I wait for him to start?
I was nervous. What are couples supposed to do at the movie? All I know is I had no idea what the movie was about.
</div>
<<if not hasVisited("flip to a random page")>>[[flip to a random page][$hint to $hint + 1]]<</if>>
<<if not hasVisited("last page")>>[[last page][$hint to $hint + 1]]<</if>>
[[put back|handbag]]
<<else>>
As you read the journal, James walks in.
"Mom you are awake! How are you feeling?"
You put the journal back to the handbag and put it away. James is wearing a funny-looking uniform with a huge backpack. The uniform looks dirty and sticks to his body by his sweat. He sits down by your bedside and breathes heavily. You can see his eyes are bloodshot and the dark circles under them.
[[Ask about his situation]]
[[Ask about your past]]
<</if>><<if $hint < $hintLimit>>
<div class="diary">
2000 November 20
Thomas' job interview didn't go well today. It's near Thanksgiving. No one hire new people in the holiday season. It's no holiday for us.
James, I don't know if I should bring you to this world, in a family like this. I'm sorry...
</div>
<<if not hasVisited("page 5")>>[[flip to a random page|page 5][$hint to $hint + 1]]<</if>>
<<if not hasVisited("last page")>>[[last page][$hint to $hint + 1]]<</if>>
[[put back|handbag]]
<<else>>
As you read the journal, James walks in.
"Mom you are awake! How are you feeling?"
You put the journal back to the handbag and put it away. James is wearing a funny-looking uniform with a huge backpack. The uniform looks dirty and sticks to his body by his sweat. He sits down by your bedside and breathes heavily. You can see his eyes are bloodshot and the dark circles under them.
[[Ask about his situation]]
[[Ask about your past]]
<</if>><<if $hint < $hintLimit>>
<div class="diary">
2006 September 30
It's Thomas' birthday today.
I don't know where he is now, and I don't why I even remember this. I atually don't feel much, but why do I even write about him? It's just another normal tiring day.
</div>
<<if not hasVisited("last page")>>[[last page][$hint to $hint + 1]]<</if>>
[[put back|handbag]]
<<else>>
As you read the journal, James walks in.
"Mom you are awake! How are you feeling?"
You put the journal back to the handbag and put it away. James is wearing a funny-looking uniform with a huge backpack. The uniform looks dirty and sticks to his body by his sweat. He sits down by your bedside and breathes heavily. You can see his eyes are bloodshot and the dark circles under them.
[[Ask about his situation]]
[[Ask about your past]]
<</if>><<if $hint < $hintLimit>>
<div class="diary">
2019 August 04
I'm sorry, James.
</div>
[[previous page][$hint to $hint + 1]]
<<if not hasVisited("flip to a random page")>>[[flip to a random page][$hint to $hint + 1]]<</if>>
[[put back|handbag]]
<<else>>
As you read the journal, James walks in.
"Mom you are awake! How are you feeling?"
You put the journal back to the handbag and put it away. James is wearing a funny-looking uniform with a huge backpack. The uniform looks dirty and sticks to his body by his sweat. He sits down by your bedside and breathes heavily. You can see his eyes are bloodshot and the dark circles under them.
[[Ask about his situation]]
[[Ask about your past]]
<</if>><<if $hint < $hintLimit>>
<div class="diary">
2019 July 30
Life just won't get easier, will it?
</div>
<<if not hasVisited("page 4")>>[[flip to a random page|page 4][$hint to $hint + 1]]<</if>>
[[put back|handbag]]
<<else>>
As you read the journal, James walks in.
"Mom you are awake! How are you feeling?"
You put the journal back to the handbag and put it away. James is wearing a funny-looking uniform with a huge backpack. The uniform looks dirty and sticks to his body by his sweat. He sits down by your bedside and breathes heavily. You can see his eyes are bloodshot and the dark circles under them.
[[Ask about his situation]]
[[Ask about your past]]
<</if>>You struggle to sit up, slowly reach to the handbag, and open it up on your lap.
You see
<<set $hintLimit = 5>>
[[A purse][$hint to $hint + 1]]
[[A bus ticket][$hint to $hint + 1]]
[[A notebook][$hint to $hint + 1]]
[[A medicine box][$hint to $hint + 1]]
[[A lighter][$hint to $hint + 1]]"I'm fine. What happened to you? You look terrible!"
"Me?" James looks down at his sweaty clothes, "Oh, I just came from the burger place that I worked for. I went there directly from school so I have my backpack. I'm actually feeling pretty good!"
"Did you not sleep well?" You look at his eyes and say.
"I've been working double shifts lately, so I slept a little late. No big deal. I'm young. I will just get used to it soon!"
[["It is my medical bills, isn't it?"]]
[["Don't push yourself too hard. I can work once I get out."]]"I'm okay, but I still don't remember anything..."
"It's okay mom. I've talked to the doctor about this. Let's just be patient." James consoles.
"Tell me about my past, James." You ask.
"Sure. What about your past?"
<<set $questionLimit to 2>>
[[Our life][$question to 1]]
[[Thomas][$question to 1]]
[[The accident][$question to 1]]"No, no. Don't worry about the medical bill. You just rest here and get better. I will take care of the rest!"
Hearing James' words, you feel a tightening in your throat and sourness in your eyes -- it's your tears. You take a deep breath and try to hold them back.
Seeing your eyes turn red, James holds your hand. "Mom you have raised me up by yourself. I'm a grown man now and I just want you to be healthy."
Your hand feels warm in James' hands.
As you speak, your [[doctor]] comes to the room."Hey mom, don't worry about working yet. Get healthy before you promise me anything." James speaks with a lighthearted tone.
You put your hand on James' shoulder, and smile. "Okay I will get healthy first. I'm almost there!"
James' shoulder feels as solid as stone.
As you speak, your [[doctor]] comes to the room."Hey Taylor, how are you feeling?"
"I'm feeling okay, except...I don't remember anything before the accident."
"Right, I'm aware of that. Actually I'm here to speak to you about this. We have identified some hippocampus damage in your brain, and that's the reason for your memory deficit."
James sighes.
"After discussion with other brain experts, we want to let you know that your brain damage may be able to be surgically repaired..." The doctor continues, "but, this will be a high-risk operation. So, please do ask any questions and take time to consider."
[[Ask risk]]
[[Ask cost]]
[[What if not take surgery]]"What was our life like before the accident?"
James takes a moment, and then looks into your eyes, "It was great. We were never rich but we were also never in trouble. We always had food on the table and roof above our head. It was just you and me, but I've made it to college. I think we were very happy."
<<if $question < $questionLimit>>
<<if not hasVisited("Thomas")>>[[Thomas][$question to $question+1]]<</if>>
<<if not hasVisited("The accident")>>[[The accident][$question to $question+1]]<</if>>
<<else>>
As you speak, your [[doctor]] comes to the room.
<</if>>"Do you remember who is Thomas?"
James looks a bit surprised when he hear the question, but that look immediately goes away.
"No. I don't think I know anyone named Thomas."
<<if $question < $questionLimit>>
<<if not hasVisited("Our life")>>[[Our life][$question to $question+1]]<</if>>
<<if not hasVisited("The accident")>>[[The accident][$question to $question+1]]<</if>>
<<else>>
As you speak, your [[doctor]] comes to the room.
<</if>>"Do you know what I was up to when this accident happened?"
James shakes his head, "I don't know. I was at school when the hospital called me. You didn't tell me you had any plan either."
<<if $question < $questionLimit>>
<<if not hasVisited("Our life")>>[[Our life][$question to $question+1]]<</if>>
<<if not hasVisited("Thomas")>>[[Thomas][$question to $question+1]]<</if>>
<<else>>
As you speak, your [[doctor]] comes to the room.
<</if>>"What would be the risk of this operation?"
"Currently you seem to have no problem forming new memories, and you still recognize your son, but there is chance you may lose these capabilities if the surgery does not go well."
James stares at your face, as if trying to read your intention behind your face.
"How high is the risk, doctor?" You ask.
"About 50/50 chance."
<<if not hasVisited("Ask cost")>>[[Ask cost]]<</if>>
<<if not hasVisited("What if not take surgery")>>[[What if not take surgery]]<</if>>
[[Take time to consider]]"How much would that surgery cost?"
"My assistant will be able to give you the exact number afterwards according to your insurance plan, but this is indeed an advanced operation to a rare condition, so the insurance coverage for this may not be high."
James turns to you, "Mom, don't worry about money. If you want the surgery, we will figure it out!"
<<if not hasVisited("Ask risk")>>[[Ask risk]]<</if>>
<<if not hasVisited("What if not take surgery")>>[[What if not take surgery]]<</if>>
[[Take time to consider]]"What will happen if I don't take the surgery?"
"Your chance of getting back your memories will be low if the hippocampus damage is not fixed, and aging may deteriorate your memory further. But on the good side, you currently have no trouble forming new memories, so that means you should be able to live normally, just without your past. So in some sense, it is almost like starting a new life."
<<if not hasVisited("Ask risk")>>[[Ask risk]]<</if>>
<<if not hasVisited("Ask cost")>>[[Ask cost]]<</if>>
[[Take time to consider]]<<if random(1) > 0.5>> <<set $result to "success">>
<<else>> <<set $result to "failure">> <</if>>
Late night, you are alone with the silence in the room. Thoughts about the surgery keep you awake. Time almost feel like frozen. Without past, what is time to you anyway.
You keep thinking James' words before he left today, "Mom, I'm with you no matter what decision you make."
You know, you have to make this decision, with only the things you learnt in this hospital room since you woke up. That is all you have.
You feel like a past-less ghost floating at this moment. Will the surgery change that?
Take all the time you need, but make a decision.
<<link "Take surgery" $result>><</link>>
[[No surgery]]Your consciousness comes back to you.
You open your eyes. James' face is right there, with joy and excitement. Yes, you still recognize James, and you also recall you were having a surgery to recover your memory.
Does this mean the surgery succeeded?
Despite the headache, you try to remember things from your past. Once you open that gate, all of a sudden, your memories overwhelm you like flood.
Flood drowns you, and drowning feels like agony -- you now remember what happened on the day of [[accident]].You come home with James a few days later.
Since you are awake, James has been telling you about all the things we want to know -- stories about your past, items you own, his life routines, histories of things at home, etc.
Everything sounds so perfect from what he says. The world presented to you almost feels like heaven. You always have a smile on your face, because why not -- there is nothing to worry in your [[life]].
Your consciousness comes back to you.
You open your eyes. A face is right in front of you, with joy and excitement.
"Mom, how are you feeling? Do you remember me?"
You smile along with that face, and say "You look like Thomas." You don't know who is Thomas, but you simply say it, as if the words come out of your mouth by themselves.
The joy and excitement on that face immediately freeze. "Mom, I'm James. I'm your son!"
You hear that voice, but you does not care to respond. You are completely absorbed by the world around you. Everything is so fresh and new to you, and you look at all your surroundings with curiosity and wonder, like a new born baby.
A few moments later, you turn to the young man sitting by your side. "Hello, who are you?"
END.You had a plan that day.
You have had depression for years, and you just lost your job. You bought the bus ticket to a place where no one knows you, and the only things you took are your journal and your wedding ring -- the testimony of your painful past. You wanted to burn them before you swallow all your anti-depressant.
Your plan didn't realize, because of the accident, but your decision of the plan so clearly happened. It is forever imprinted in your memory, the invaluable treasure you just got back.
"Mom, do you still remember me!" James' face is right in front of you, looking at you attentively.
He does not know, a few days ago you already gave up on him. The despair at the moment of giving up is so fresh and it presses you breathless.
You've reclaimed the whole of yourself again. It will carry your past and flow to the future, just like everyone else.
END.You almost feel like this is how life should be, except occasionally you find small inconsistencies in James' stories. When you ask, James just says maybe he does not remember clearly.
You don't know better anyway. Who can remember everything perfectly, right? But when things like that happen, you always look behind your back and you don't even realize it. You cannot describe the feeling, but it almost feels like there is a big empty hole behind you.
Of course, you won't see anything from your behind.
Over time, you don't notice the inconsistencies anymore, and you start to actually believe, this is how life should be.
END.